I refuse to Apologize.

I can't count how many times other women have made snide comments because I always knew what I wanted for my wedding. Because I've been thinking about the day I get married since I was a little girl. It's something I've dreamed about and look forward to very much. And they put me down like I'm not keeping up my end of the feminist bargain.

I remember cutting up the Sear's and JC Penny's catalogs piecing together my "life" I'd have a page for what my house would look like, how I would decorate the rooms and I would cut out 2D husbands from the men's section and glue them next to the perfect wedding dress clad model. I had this romantic vision of adulthood, where I would just fall into the career I chose, meet the man of my dreams get a house and a dog and pump out a perfect boy and girl to boot. Oh, and I had a pink convertible. 

I grew up in a house with parents who truly loved each other. And they raised my sister's and I to be strong, independent women, capable of anything we put our minds to. But they didn't raise us to think we were to strong to be loved, to independent to think we didn't need men in our lives. But rather showed us what a strong loving bond is between two people. That true love was always putting your partner first, and always doing the things that made them smile. And they didn't sugar coat it, they always told us a marriage was hard work, it didn't come easy and it was something you had to put your heart and soul into, and not give up even in the hardest of times. That you would always have each other to lean on.

So I wont apologize for fact that I've looked forward to July 21st 2012 for my entire life.  I wont apologize for wanting all the pomp and circumstance. The flowers, the music, the dress and all our family and friends with us as we move forward into life together. And the next woman that makes some offhanded bitchy comment about me knowing what I want is going to get slapped.

Brains on the Table.

So I'm pretty sure I need to tell the CIA about new forms of torture. Sit through a meal at your favorite restaurant, while hungry and DON'T EAT ANYTHING. Seriously, it's insanity. I'm on day three of the juice fast and there might be a murder suicide if I have to sit through another meal just sipping water.

But, I really feel like the toxins I've pummeled into every cell of my body over the last few years are really getting cleansed out. Namely, my kidneys are telling me it's true, because they feel like they might just stab through my back and walk out on me, and I'd be left all "NO NO! Guys hold on, I'm trying to help you!" and they'd be all "Yeah lady, we've seen the help you've given us over the years, we're headed to somewhere with a pension and a beach." And I'd be left begging my sister's for a kidney for Christmas.

Anyways. Today was a good day, and I'm starting to be able to differentiate between emotional "hunger" and real hunger. When I want to eat out of habit and when I really need to give my body nutrients. Every time I drive by a Wendy's or Dunkin Donuts it's a small win. Today was almost a tragedy, I left dinner at C.C, Tomatoes after watching Mike eat pizza and the first stop I made was McDonalds. I ordered a Big Mac  meal with a REAL coke. And it was like that moment your life flashes through your brain. Guilt mixed with shame. Shame that I wasn't strong enough to not eat fast food. Anger that after weeks of not eating fast food I was going to throw it all away because I was upset NOT HUNGRY.

And I swear she knew... My friend Erin who is also on a juice fast texted me at that very moment as I was pulling away from the drive up window. And almost as impulsively as I'd ordered I pulled up to the trash can and threw it all out. Because I'm stronger than food. I'm stronger than cravings and emotions.  And I felt empowered and proud! And I finished day three without a slip up!

And my kidneys hurt, my head pounds and my muscles ache from releasing all those toxins and it makes me want to give up sometimes until I realize I'm just undoing all the bad things I've done to my body and it needs to heal. And I will let it heal.

253

... I'm dreading dinner.

I'm doing a juice fast. Just gunna put that out there in the universe in case tomorrow you have to deal with me and I eat your head. I'm honestly very sorry and didn't mean to, it's just I'm hungry yaknow? Anyways today was my first day, Mike proudly brought home the juicer and an array of veggies for me last night and showed me how to use it. I juiced carrots and oranges and it was a good tasting cup of... pulp?

And this morning was encouraging as well, I got up, juiced a bunch of stuff and drank it up! It was a little harder to get down (who knew Cucumbers could taste so strong!) but I felt full. I'm going to start straining the pulp out I believe. BTW.. this is the longest I've gone without a complex carbohydrate. EVER. My go-to dinner was always elbow macaroni with shaky cheese and butter. It's no wonder how I got to 260lbs!

So after I got up, I had my juice and black tea and I had planned to hang out with Tori and I did well watching her eat Wendy's. Okay that's a lie. The entire time I wanted to grab it from her and eat it (like, grab it and shove the whole thing in my mouth paper and all before she even knew what was happening, then act like nothing happened and that maybe they forgot to put the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger in her bag.) I was seriously rabid by 3pm. All I could think about was I was an idiot for setting myself up for failure by not making and taking juice with me while we hung out. By the time she was bringing me home I was day dreaming about food. I had to grocery shop, so I could sneak to Dunkins and get a breakfast sandwich, or buy something to munch on at the store.

And then it hit me, it didn't matter that I snuck food because the only person I was cheating was myself. I want to be smaller for my wedding. I want to be health and happy. And no amount on cheating myself will help that. Sure I've got a pounding headache, and literally ALL I can think about is food, I'm trying to stay strong. I've got to be able to give it a go. So, here goes nothing. I should have bought some stool hardeners.

255

Jesus, is that you?

I got my eyes Dilated today. Never done that before! I'm almost thirty and still having "firsts". I was unaware of just how badly it would effect my vision though, since you know, they do it in a nice dim lit room. So as I'm sitting there for the 15 minutes it takes to dilate my eyes and the doctor is out of the room, I fell asleep. Don't judge me.

So I jolt awake because WTH someone's coming into my bedroom... oh no I'm in a Dr's office. Oh shit, I just fell asleep at the doctors office! I'm pretty sure I was snoring, and maybe had drooled a little too but I managed to hide all this in milliseconds. But then.. Everything is fuzzy and shit my head is pounding.

Needless to say, take the ugly disposable sunglasses they give you. I told them I had my prescription ones in the car (Oops, I lied their at home) and walked out into the daylight .. I must have looked funny stumbling to my car one eye squinted shut, the other barely open. And the drive home was equally as ... interesting. NAPTIME.

My vision was so blurry up close I couldn't read text messages on my phone. I kind of wish I'd gotten a picture of myself with those big dilated pupils so scare my future children. "Mommy used to do drugs, don't make her mad, go mop the floor" Shiniest. Floors. Ever.

255

Always something.

Stress. It comes on heavy and thick, and it coats everything in the same bland but infuriating color. No matter how much I try to separate parts of my life from others they drip together. Stress at work gets lumped in with stuff at home, and home stress gets splattered all over the place. It's like boiling spaghetti sauce. You didn't mean to leave the lid off, but now everything from the toaster to the fridge is misted in red and you just want to curl up on the kitchen floor and scream. Scream until you're hoarse and your neighbors call the cops.

I haven't quite figured out how to get stress to not stick around. It just builds up in my system like lead poisoning, one day I'm fine and the next I can't form a sentence that isn't laced with gritty annoyance. And all the trickle down effects make it worse! Like I'm stressed, so I stress eat, then I get mad at myself for stress eating and I'm more stressed, and disappointed. Or I'm stressed with things in my personal life, it melts into work and I feel guilty because no one deserves to get hit with the crossfire.

And that's all, I'm sure I could write pages of sarcastic dribble that would make you laugh, but that just means I'm hitting my readers with hot spaghetti sauce too. And I wont do that to you, because it burns.

What about a cheese and crapper platter?

Cassie and I went up to The Common Man Inn & Spa to meet with the event coordinator and have a "Girls Night" Thursday into Friday and man, I love that girl. It's really wonderful to have people in your life that are grounded, organized and in charge! She's helped so much with EVERYTHING. I picked the best MOH a girl could ask for.

 Apparently it's hilarious when I get tongue tied. Which happened more than once yesterday as I was trying to explain my "vision" for our wedding, and what it would encompass. Thank God Cassie corrected me when I requested a "Cheese and Crapper" platter for the cocktail hour :-X I doubt my guests would have appreciated that.

So we had a fantastic dinner, relaxed and went to bed early (while watching the GoP debate) because we're awesome like that. This morning I slept in, she was a good girl and went to the work out room. Then we had a little pampering, she had her nails done, and I had my wedding test hair done! I love all things vintage and classy, so I want a really classic look. So here's the test hair:

I can't decide if I'll keep the length of my hair curled like it is all swept to the side, or maybe wear it straighter, with a big uniform curl at the end. Opinions? That huge barrel curl is staying though, so hot!

So, this is Love: Mike and I are on our new couch together, this thing is HUGE! We can spoon on it. So naturally we're sitting on our own ends, and somehow he tickles me with his toes (his feet are huge, his toes are as long as fingers!) I screech and giggle, so obviously it eggs him on to tickle me more. And somehow I get my feet near his face and grab his beard with my toes, and we're completely intertwined in a hilarious stand off, because if he tickles me, i'll pull his beard WITH MY TOES and vice versa. And we're totally being complete goofs, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. That's our love, and I couldn't ask for anything more perfect.

P.S. Doods, grow beards they are HOT.

Life will kick you.

And life doesn't start when the kicks stop, life IS the kicks and how you deal with them. I'm trying to grasp and be in harmony with this concept although, it is incredibly tough sometimes, today especially.

I have to start by saying I'm lucky. Mike and I are blessed to have the means to live the "American Dream" as we march to the alter and beyond (Babies, future, commitment babies future commitment BABIES FUTURE COMMITMENT) I have a family and friends that are second to none and, I work with an incredible group of women who make things like inventory night, amazing and fun.

Here's the quick and dirty.. got home, relaxed. Went to shower no hot water. Checked the heat and yes, it was colder in the house than usual, huh. So I put all my cloths back on, slipped into my pink fuzzy slippers and ventured into the basement (EEK!) to discover the oil tank is down to 1/8th of a tank and the boiler isn't turning on when it should. Sweet, awesome! And we were just thinking we might get a week where we could put some money back into savings or for the wedding. WRONG.

So thanks life, I had to take the day off to wait around for the heating guy in a cold house on no sleep, because who can sleep with the "OMG we need to buy oil we hadn't budgeted for and our heat doesn't work and the basement is going to flood and and and and... MOLD!" thoughts galloping through their head. Whatever, I'm heading to XYZ home improvement store to buy plastic for the windows to help with heat loss, and just tossing this up to life.

BTW! Nothing works better to heat up a cold body than a 24 minute workout with Jillian Michaels.