I refuse to Apologize.

I can't count how many times other women have made snide comments because I always knew what I wanted for my wedding. Because I've been thinking about the day I get married since I was a little girl. It's something I've dreamed about and look forward to very much. And they put me down like I'm not keeping up my end of the feminist bargain.

I remember cutting up the Sear's and JC Penny's catalogs piecing together my "life" I'd have a page for what my house would look like, how I would decorate the rooms and I would cut out 2D husbands from the men's section and glue them next to the perfect wedding dress clad model. I had this romantic vision of adulthood, where I would just fall into the career I chose, meet the man of my dreams get a house and a dog and pump out a perfect boy and girl to boot. Oh, and I had a pink convertible. 

I grew up in a house with parents who truly loved each other. And they raised my sister's and I to be strong, independent women, capable of anything we put our minds to. But they didn't raise us to think we were to strong to be loved, to independent to think we didn't need men in our lives. But rather showed us what a strong loving bond is between two people. That true love was always putting your partner first, and always doing the things that made them smile. And they didn't sugar coat it, they always told us a marriage was hard work, it didn't come easy and it was something you had to put your heart and soul into, and not give up even in the hardest of times. That you would always have each other to lean on.

So I wont apologize for fact that I've looked forward to July 21st 2012 for my entire life.  I wont apologize for wanting all the pomp and circumstance. The flowers, the music, the dress and all our family and friends with us as we move forward into life together. And the next woman that makes some offhanded bitchy comment about me knowing what I want is going to get slapped.

Brains on the Table.

So I'm pretty sure I need to tell the CIA about new forms of torture. Sit through a meal at your favorite restaurant, while hungry and DON'T EAT ANYTHING. Seriously, it's insanity. I'm on day three of the juice fast and there might be a murder suicide if I have to sit through another meal just sipping water.

But, I really feel like the toxins I've pummeled into every cell of my body over the last few years are really getting cleansed out. Namely, my kidneys are telling me it's true, because they feel like they might just stab through my back and walk out on me, and I'd be left all "NO NO! Guys hold on, I'm trying to help you!" and they'd be all "Yeah lady, we've seen the help you've given us over the years, we're headed to somewhere with a pension and a beach." And I'd be left begging my sister's for a kidney for Christmas.

Anyways. Today was a good day, and I'm starting to be able to differentiate between emotional "hunger" and real hunger. When I want to eat out of habit and when I really need to give my body nutrients. Every time I drive by a Wendy's or Dunkin Donuts it's a small win. Today was almost a tragedy, I left dinner at C.C, Tomatoes after watching Mike eat pizza and the first stop I made was McDonalds. I ordered a Big Mac  meal with a REAL coke. And it was like that moment your life flashes through your brain. Guilt mixed with shame. Shame that I wasn't strong enough to not eat fast food. Anger that after weeks of not eating fast food I was going to throw it all away because I was upset NOT HUNGRY.

And I swear she knew... My friend Erin who is also on a juice fast texted me at that very moment as I was pulling away from the drive up window. And almost as impulsively as I'd ordered I pulled up to the trash can and threw it all out. Because I'm stronger than food. I'm stronger than cravings and emotions.  And I felt empowered and proud! And I finished day three without a slip up!

And my kidneys hurt, my head pounds and my muscles ache from releasing all those toxins and it makes me want to give up sometimes until I realize I'm just undoing all the bad things I've done to my body and it needs to heal. And I will let it heal.

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... I'm dreading dinner.

I'm doing a juice fast. Just gunna put that out there in the universe in case tomorrow you have to deal with me and I eat your head. I'm honestly very sorry and didn't mean to, it's just I'm hungry yaknow? Anyways today was my first day, Mike proudly brought home the juicer and an array of veggies for me last night and showed me how to use it. I juiced carrots and oranges and it was a good tasting cup of... pulp?

And this morning was encouraging as well, I got up, juiced a bunch of stuff and drank it up! It was a little harder to get down (who knew Cucumbers could taste so strong!) but I felt full. I'm going to start straining the pulp out I believe. BTW.. this is the longest I've gone without a complex carbohydrate. EVER. My go-to dinner was always elbow macaroni with shaky cheese and butter. It's no wonder how I got to 260lbs!

So after I got up, I had my juice and black tea and I had planned to hang out with Tori and I did well watching her eat Wendy's. Okay that's a lie. The entire time I wanted to grab it from her and eat it (like, grab it and shove the whole thing in my mouth paper and all before she even knew what was happening, then act like nothing happened and that maybe they forgot to put the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger in her bag.) I was seriously rabid by 3pm. All I could think about was I was an idiot for setting myself up for failure by not making and taking juice with me while we hung out. By the time she was bringing me home I was day dreaming about food. I had to grocery shop, so I could sneak to Dunkins and get a breakfast sandwich, or buy something to munch on at the store.

And then it hit me, it didn't matter that I snuck food because the only person I was cheating was myself. I want to be smaller for my wedding. I want to be health and happy. And no amount on cheating myself will help that. Sure I've got a pounding headache, and literally ALL I can think about is food, I'm trying to stay strong. I've got to be able to give it a go. So, here goes nothing. I should have bought some stool hardeners.

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Jesus, is that you?

I got my eyes Dilated today. Never done that before! I'm almost thirty and still having "firsts". I was unaware of just how badly it would effect my vision though, since you know, they do it in a nice dim lit room. So as I'm sitting there for the 15 minutes it takes to dilate my eyes and the doctor is out of the room, I fell asleep. Don't judge me.

So I jolt awake because WTH someone's coming into my bedroom... oh no I'm in a Dr's office. Oh shit, I just fell asleep at the doctors office! I'm pretty sure I was snoring, and maybe had drooled a little too but I managed to hide all this in milliseconds. But then.. Everything is fuzzy and shit my head is pounding.

Needless to say, take the ugly disposable sunglasses they give you. I told them I had my prescription ones in the car (Oops, I lied their at home) and walked out into the daylight .. I must have looked funny stumbling to my car one eye squinted shut, the other barely open. And the drive home was equally as ... interesting. NAPTIME.

My vision was so blurry up close I couldn't read text messages on my phone. I kind of wish I'd gotten a picture of myself with those big dilated pupils so scare my future children. "Mommy used to do drugs, don't make her mad, go mop the floor" Shiniest. Floors. Ever.

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