Brains on the Table.

So I'm pretty sure I need to tell the CIA about new forms of torture. Sit through a meal at your favorite restaurant, while hungry and DON'T EAT ANYTHING. Seriously, it's insanity. I'm on day three of the juice fast and there might be a murder suicide if I have to sit through another meal just sipping water.

But, I really feel like the toxins I've pummeled into every cell of my body over the last few years are really getting cleansed out. Namely, my kidneys are telling me it's true, because they feel like they might just stab through my back and walk out on me, and I'd be left all "NO NO! Guys hold on, I'm trying to help you!" and they'd be all "Yeah lady, we've seen the help you've given us over the years, we're headed to somewhere with a pension and a beach." And I'd be left begging my sister's for a kidney for Christmas.

Anyways. Today was a good day, and I'm starting to be able to differentiate between emotional "hunger" and real hunger. When I want to eat out of habit and when I really need to give my body nutrients. Every time I drive by a Wendy's or Dunkin Donuts it's a small win. Today was almost a tragedy, I left dinner at C.C, Tomatoes after watching Mike eat pizza and the first stop I made was McDonalds. I ordered a Big Mac  meal with a REAL coke. And it was like that moment your life flashes through your brain. Guilt mixed with shame. Shame that I wasn't strong enough to not eat fast food. Anger that after weeks of not eating fast food I was going to throw it all away because I was upset NOT HUNGRY.

And I swear she knew... My friend Erin who is also on a juice fast texted me at that very moment as I was pulling away from the drive up window. And almost as impulsively as I'd ordered I pulled up to the trash can and threw it all out. Because I'm stronger than food. I'm stronger than cravings and emotions.  And I felt empowered and proud! And I finished day three without a slip up!

And my kidneys hurt, my head pounds and my muscles ache from releasing all those toxins and it makes me want to give up sometimes until I realize I'm just undoing all the bad things I've done to my body and it needs to heal. And I will let it heal.

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