Always something.

Stress. It comes on heavy and thick, and it coats everything in the same bland but infuriating color. No matter how much I try to separate parts of my life from others they drip together. Stress at work gets lumped in with stuff at home, and home stress gets splattered all over the place. It's like boiling spaghetti sauce. You didn't mean to leave the lid off, but now everything from the toaster to the fridge is misted in red and you just want to curl up on the kitchen floor and scream. Scream until you're hoarse and your neighbors call the cops.

I haven't quite figured out how to get stress to not stick around. It just builds up in my system like lead poisoning, one day I'm fine and the next I can't form a sentence that isn't laced with gritty annoyance. And all the trickle down effects make it worse! Like I'm stressed, so I stress eat, then I get mad at myself for stress eating and I'm more stressed, and disappointed. Or I'm stressed with things in my personal life, it melts into work and I feel guilty because no one deserves to get hit with the crossfire.

And that's all, I'm sure I could write pages of sarcastic dribble that would make you laugh, but that just means I'm hitting my readers with hot spaghetti sauce too. And I wont do that to you, because it burns.

What about a cheese and crapper platter?

Cassie and I went up to The Common Man Inn & Spa to meet with the event coordinator and have a "Girls Night" Thursday into Friday and man, I love that girl. It's really wonderful to have people in your life that are grounded, organized and in charge! She's helped so much with EVERYTHING. I picked the best MOH a girl could ask for.

 Apparently it's hilarious when I get tongue tied. Which happened more than once yesterday as I was trying to explain my "vision" for our wedding, and what it would encompass. Thank God Cassie corrected me when I requested a "Cheese and Crapper" platter for the cocktail hour :-X I doubt my guests would have appreciated that.

So we had a fantastic dinner, relaxed and went to bed early (while watching the GoP debate) because we're awesome like that. This morning I slept in, she was a good girl and went to the work out room. Then we had a little pampering, she had her nails done, and I had my wedding test hair done! I love all things vintage and classy, so I want a really classic look. So here's the test hair:

I can't decide if I'll keep the length of my hair curled like it is all swept to the side, or maybe wear it straighter, with a big uniform curl at the end. Opinions? That huge barrel curl is staying though, so hot!

So, this is Love: Mike and I are on our new couch together, this thing is HUGE! We can spoon on it. So naturally we're sitting on our own ends, and somehow he tickles me with his toes (his feet are huge, his toes are as long as fingers!) I screech and giggle, so obviously it eggs him on to tickle me more. And somehow I get my feet near his face and grab his beard with my toes, and we're completely intertwined in a hilarious stand off, because if he tickles me, i'll pull his beard WITH MY TOES and vice versa. And we're totally being complete goofs, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. That's our love, and I couldn't ask for anything more perfect.

P.S. Doods, grow beards they are HOT.

Life will kick you.

And life doesn't start when the kicks stop, life IS the kicks and how you deal with them. I'm trying to grasp and be in harmony with this concept although, it is incredibly tough sometimes, today especially.

I have to start by saying I'm lucky. Mike and I are blessed to have the means to live the "American Dream" as we march to the alter and beyond (Babies, future, commitment babies future commitment BABIES FUTURE COMMITMENT) I have a family and friends that are second to none and, I work with an incredible group of women who make things like inventory night, amazing and fun.

Here's the quick and dirty.. got home, relaxed. Went to shower no hot water. Checked the heat and yes, it was colder in the house than usual, huh. So I put all my cloths back on, slipped into my pink fuzzy slippers and ventured into the basement (EEK!) to discover the oil tank is down to 1/8th of a tank and the boiler isn't turning on when it should. Sweet, awesome! And we were just thinking we might get a week where we could put some money back into savings or for the wedding. WRONG.

So thanks life, I had to take the day off to wait around for the heating guy in a cold house on no sleep, because who can sleep with the "OMG we need to buy oil we hadn't budgeted for and our heat doesn't work and the basement is going to flood and and and and... MOLD!" thoughts galloping through their head. Whatever, I'm heading to XYZ home improvement store to buy plastic for the windows to help with heat loss, and just tossing this up to life.

BTW! Nothing works better to heat up a cold body than a 24 minute workout with Jillian Michaels.

F$%K you Wii imaginary personal trainer.

So, the other day after my blog post I was feeling REALLY empowered! I got up and turned on the Wii and was all "I can conquer the world!" until I weighed myself and was UP TWO WHOLE GODDAMNED POUNDS! Now, if I had been sneaking fast food, and not tracking my calories and not exercising I would be like "well gee Kristen, think it's time to REALLY get on the ball?" But I had been doing all those things, and drinking 60oz of water like Jillian Michael's tells me to, so I was extremely discouraged and started looking up wedding dresses in my size, cause I felt like giving up.

But I quickly realized it's about more than a wedding dress. It's about my future children, my health and my personal self confidence. I refused to give up, and resolved to just do better and stick with it. And stop weighing in. And there are a lot of plus sized women out there that are happy in their skin, that feel beautiful the way they are and I don't discredit that AT ALL. But that's not me.

So I've changed a few things, for one a protein packed breakfast with very little carbs. Usually 3 eggs scrambled with a slice of cheese and chopped ham, turkey or other meat we have to toss in and a Stonyfield Farms yogurt. And the rest of my meals during the day are packed with veggies and fiber, and protein. I'm still staying within my 1550 calories but am really trying not to eat less than that because I don't want to starve my body.

And more exercise. And I swear if one more person tells me "muscle weighs more than fat" I'm going to virtually slug them, in my head. So every other day I'm doing the Biggest Loser game for the Wii and building up my stamina. I picked Jillian Michaels for my trainer (mostly because Bob calls me "lover" and that's weird,)  and I want to shank the bitch. As I'm on my rug, hands on the Wii board, in a push up position shaking like a leaf because my arms are all "no fucking way" and she's all "That looks like giving up" I'm screaming at the TV DO YOU REALIZE I'VE NEVER DONE A GODDAMNED REAL PUSH-UP IN MY LIFE YOU SKINNY LITTLE BITCH. Seriously, I'm glad the neighbors (and Mike) don't see this. But I did better today than yesterday!

So yeah, in a past life I would have given up. But in this life, the here and now I am going to beat this. I am going to fit into my wedding dress. People who haven't seen me in months will whisper at my wedding about how good I look, they will be jealous, and I will be radiant. And I will inspire someone who hasn't been able to grasp the courage to shed the pounds, just like my friends husband inspires me. (Yeah, that's a nod to you Marc!)

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I Can't Function Without my PINS!

So, not weight loss related. But wedding related. My Fiance Mike and I are getting married July 21st 2012 and while we've got almost EVERYTHING done, the florist is eluding me. I've got my heart set on Cobblestone Design Company out of Concord. Originally they wouldn't deliver my flowers unless I got 3000$ worth of flowers for the wedding. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of flowers... Like, they would make my damned dress out of flowers at that price (maybe not really, but Jesus!)

So I've been looking around at other florists, and I can't for the life of me find one I trust to carry out my floral vision, other than Cobblestone. (Wondering what my Floral Vision is? Check out my Pinterest) Their work is second to none, they just have that something extra you don't get elsewhere and you can't describe. They did the flowers for my sister's wedding on a shoestring budget because she'd lost her 500$ deposit to a florist that closed. But honestly, they looked like she'd spend thousands on them.

The KILLER news?! COBBLESTONE WILL DELIVER! I called them this morning and BEGGED them, and while I will be paying a delivery fee (which I'm totally ok with) I'll have the flowers I want! The flowers I've dreamed of since I was like five. 

BTW, that's me at a size 16, right after I stopped working on the farm. That's my goal again, if not thinner. That's the size I bought my wedding dress at, and where I need to get to by July. I have all the confidence in the world I can do it. And this is where I am now, this picture was taken in October. 

I've talked about it before on here, but I hate having my picture taken now. I actually refuse, which if you've known me for any length of time you'll know I used to LOVE having my picture taken. The weight I've gained has taken quite a toll on my life, and I'm done. I really want to change how we eat and relate to food in our house not just for myself, but for our future children. High School was HELL because I was heavy and I want better for my children. 

So to my friends and family who read this Blog (which is way more than I realized because I guess, I'm funny sometimes) I challenge you to do something active next time we get together. Let's go sledding, or for a walk around town with a hot tea. Swimming, hiking, let's play baseball at the park or play some mini golf. It starts by not making social activities based around food, because if you invite Mike and I to dinner in the next few months, I'll probably decline (unless it's at your house, and we're cooking something healthy) because I'm serious about changing the way we do things. 

Alright, now I'm out to do some yoga and Wii fit, bitchez. 

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...I licked a lean cuisine tray?

Ok first thing, if you read the title and it was in the voice of Jennifer Gray when she says in Dirty Dancing "I carried a watermelon?" We should be fast friends, period.

So today I did REALLY well, but I've been finding my success is tied with not having options. I left my debit card at home Monday and Tuesday and had no cash, so I had to eat what I brought or had at work, this was good. Today, I brought my wallet to work and thank

 I started my day with a bowl of cherrios (and no, not a bowl the size of my head but a sensible 1cup serving) and yogurt, then a Lean Cuisine for lunch which I DEVOURED. Seriously, I licked the tray and might had nibbled on it a bit if I didn't think my employees would judge me when they saw it in the trash. Then a hot pocket, that admittedly was probably in the fridge to long because when I cooked it, it was... suspect. At that point, if I hadn't had my wallet I don't know what I would have done, probably eaten the Hot Pocket and paid for it dearly on the ride home in a gas station bathroom. So, Subway to the rescue! Turkey flat bread with loads of veggies really hit the spot.

Honestly, I've been really successful lately because I'm looking in the mirror more. I stand in front of the full mirror in my bedroom and force myself to look at my body, naked. And I'm not happy with it, I don't feel sexy or attractive. And I've stopped making excuses for myself. The other night it was 10:30 and I was still awake and KNEW I should probably do some work on the treadmill or the Wii but I didn't want to change, and I'd be going to bed soon anyways and it would only be 20 minutes. So I checked facebook once more and my friend posted about finally not feeling like his body was struggling against a 30 minutes walk on the treadmill, and how nice that was. So, onto the treadmill I got, pink fuzzy slippers and all! I did a steady 15 minutes and felt good. And every morning since I have watched Nate Berkus and The View (Don't judge me, you've got vices too and I bet it's something shameful like Jersey Shore)  from atop my treadmill!

I'M ALWAYS HUNGRY. I ate an entire bag of carrots today.  I'm convinced I'm going to get orange skin. I drink 60oz of water a day and while I feel better I've got the bladder of an old man. I'm getting up 2 times a night at least to pee. But I'm just sick of being so fat. There is no way I can crane my head so I don't have a double chin and I actually refuse to let people take my picture.

I'm one day closer to being "sit down pretty"

The inner ravings of a fat girls mind.

It goes something like this.. Walk out of work.. Mmm I'm thirsty I've got that water in the car. But I want something else, Diet Soda, Mcdonalds here I come! Wait, Stop!!! Just walk to the car, seriously just turn around NO you're not hungry at all, you just had lunch two hours ago. Jesus Kristen just order a soda GODDAMMIT now you've done it, an entire meal, really? Just toss it in the trash when you walk around the corner, common... throw it out! Don't worry about the money, think of the medical bills. . .  15minutes later it's like laying in bed with a hooker smoking a cigarette, and she wants to cuddle.  You should have listened to that voice in your head that said "this probably isn't a good idea" because it sounded something like you're mother mixed with one of those preachy republicans.

So now that I've aired my dirty laundry I had success today. I come from a family of enablers, especially when it comes to food, they like to enable you to make those bad choices. And lord oh lord when it's time for a family get together watch out, nobody is bringing something healthy. So I did, I made homemade pita chips and bruschetta, and I set it among lasagna, 5 different types of meat/cheese dips brownies with fudge on top (seriously mom!) and a host of other items. And I ate barely any of it. I had some of the Mac and Cheese made with low carb pasta, and of course my bruschetta but overall did really well at not over eating and refusing to take my allotted 3 pieces of chocolate from the 40LBS Whitman Sampler. So we will call today a success, and start tomorrow by leaving my money at home so walking to McDonald's isn't an option.  

Put down the reese's pieces!

OK, so seriously me and McDonalds are fighting. A LOT. For a little background, I work in retail management in a mall, right outside the food court. I literally can SEE the food court from  my store.  So one of my regulars walks in with FUCKING POPCORN CHICKEN from McDonalds. Dear McDonalds, didn't I TELL you I was trying to be good and resist the tempation of trans fat laced chicken hunks? No.. well my bad, I am. 


So anyways, I've had a tuna fish sandwich, two cheese sticks, some "McBites" .. Ok, more than some. I got the sna... regular... ck sized portion. They were "EH". 


So anyways, I live in NH, and we're going to take a little First in the Nation Primary detour.. Rick Fucking Santorum. He makes me want to stand on the sidewalk where ever he's campaigning holding a sign that says "As Rick Santorum gains ground in the polls and commentators increasingly speak of him as if he's not a dangerous, raving zealot, please do remember that Karen Santorum's lifesaving medical intervention is different than the abortions that Santorum wishes to outlaw only in that the woman getting the lifesaving medical intervention was Karen Santorum"  -Jezebel.com 


Or, would that be to long? Yeah.. to long. and "Get out of New Hampshire you crazy fucking idiot" would get me no brownie points with anyone. So stay posted, I'm crafting a clever tweet or two to fire his way and hopefully have it go viral in the "Live Free or Die" state and beyond. 


Back to drinking water and eating imaginary food.

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A new chapter

First off, this is for me. It's not for the world at large but a place for me to put my thoughts into the ether.

I started a weight loss competition today and am partnered with my MOH's husband. We both have very important reasons we want to loose a lot of weight. His is health, mine is vanity. So shoot me, all I really care about is looking good in my wedding dress in 7 months! The health benefits will be a kicker, but really.. I want to be "sit down pretty" at my wedding. Yeah, so pretty, they dudes will have to TAKE A SEAT.

Anyways, today was a success and a failure. I ate GREAT up until my drive home from work. But that ever persistent jezibel Wendy's sucked me it. I'm trying to figure out the trigger, what prompts me to want a juicy burger rather than healthy food? Today, I did really well, I'd only eaten about 2/3 of my calories and was looking forward to a sensible dinner but I literally couldn't stop myself from pulling into the drive through.

I rationalized that I was hungry and needed to eat, so I'll get a salad since there wasn't much healthy to eat at home. Then I started to think about a burger, I put it into my calories calculator and it fit into my day ... IF I RAN WHILE EATING IT. So anyways, drunk on willpower I pull in. "I'll have a number one, no tomatoes small with a diet coke" SHIT. SALAD. I was supposed to get a salad. So I pay, get my food and head on my way. Ok Kristen, only eat half the burger and don't EVEN look at those fries. Now I'm home, I ate it all and I want to vomit.

Tomorrow is a new day right?

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