What's Next?

So, wedding was a week ago tomorrow. It was amazing, I feel so blessed to have such amazing family and friends and to have so many "formally" added to that group! Finally being accepted as "part of the family" on Mike's dad's side was nice too!

Honestly, the day seemed perfect to Mike and I. The weather was beautiful, everyone was in great spirits, the ceremony was incredibly heartfelt and delivered with such passion, I didn't think I'd cry but when Jason (our officient) gave his homily I lost it. The flowers were AMAZING, Mike looked like a million bucks, the cake tasted amazing the food was amazing literally everything was amazing. Maybe I'm looking at it with rose colored glasses but I want to remember it as a flawless day.

The only thing I would change is having someone tell me "lift your head" or "look up!!" as I walked in and out of the ceremony! All the pictures from friends and family I've seen so far I've been staring at the ground.  So, pictures right? Let's get to that:

The Shoes

The Flowers, All done by Cobblestone Design Company in Concord NH. Seriously, I love flowers more than anything and they went ABOVE and BEYOND with these. I don't have a picture of my tall arrangements, but when I do, I'll share them! 

The Rings, Almost didn't have a ring, but that's another blog post ALL TOGETHER! 

Me and My Dad, and Me and Mike. My dress was amazing!! 

And then the honeymoon, which consisted of lots of beaching and board gaming! Serious fun for us.All in all I'm trilled to be married to my best friend. We've had a lot of time to enjoy each other this past week, and the talk of babies is thick around us! BUT we've both decided for my health and well being, and the well being of our prospective children we're not trying until I lose about 45lbs. So, if you want to see any Page children anytime soon, slap the pizza out of my hands!

Mike and I were laying in bed talking and he mentioned it didn't feel much different, like not much had changed.  But I don't feel the same, I feel like things have shifted and there is no longer a focus on he or I but "us" a collective whole. Also, I have a whole new identity. Kristen Page. No longer the only Kristen Lehouiller but Kristen Page. Michael Page III's WIFE. Mrs. MP3! And it feels wonderful, I'm proud to be his wife. 

So, onto the next chapter, and if you follow my Pinterest you'll notice the next chapter will include Yellow, grey and ELEPHANTS! So, after I get through the shock of painting the kitchen (yes, the latter part of our honeymoon has included painting the ENTIRE kitchen, cabinets walls and all!) and don't remember why I HATE painting, I'm going to try to paint a chevron pattern on our spare bedroom wall. 

<3 Kristen Page  

Like paper.

So I'm really sorry about being one dimensional lately. Chickens Chickens Chickens. And not around. The chickens are out in their coop as of yesterday, and while I miss hearing them chirp and talk it's nice to not have my dining room look like a barnyard, for now, since I have 3 new babies coming first week in May. Because it's totally logical when you lose one chick to buy three more. I told Mike I needed to fill the gaping hole in my heart with more chickens, I might have pouted. Winner.

We went out to Santa Monica recently and had a blast, if you want to spy all my pictures you can check them on Twitter or Instagram : Only1KristenL You can see pictures of the girls in their new digs, Santa Monica and my stay at the super swanky Viceroy.

My yard is coming around, I replanted Iris's and Peonies from my childhood neighbors yard, and they are coming up gangbusters. I'm also inter planting edibles and perennials. I put in Rhubarb last week and hope it does well. I LOVE Rhubarb.

I have nothing funny to talk about. This is weird, nothing hilarious has happened to me lately and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  I'm just kind of motoring along. Hopefully I'll walk face first into a glass door, or put my foot in my mouth in a really embarrassing kind of way so I can continue blogging.

FREEEEEEEDOM!

Hah! I let the chicks out of their cage today. Just set them on the ground next to the tub and let them walk around. They didn't do much except shit on the floor. I guess it's going to take some getting used to. They are getting really comical, they dive bomb each other on a regular basis and make the cutest noises. Like chicken speak for "SERIOUSLY?! Do you have ANYTHING better to do than jump on my back, I mean really"  and it makes me smile. Only another 2-3 weeks before they are outside for good, which makes me a little sad because I wont hear their cute peeping anymore, but happy I don't have to deal with the nuclear fall-out type dust that they make. That shit is THICK. Anyways, I'll end with a picture, obviously Codex is learning to perch.

Sometimes I'm mean

So this past weekend I was in Natick, at the very fancy mall helping open a store for my company. We got there pretty early so parking spaces were really choice. At 7pm as I'm leaving after a packed day full of exhausting physical labor, I'm walking to my car and as soon as I step off the curb some dude in a Mercedes starts backing up to FOLLOW ME. At first I was like.. naw.. he probably just saw a space back there. But low and behold he backed up with me (like, creepily alone side me walking) And at first I'm thinking, cheap bastard if you don't want to walk, just go pay the money for valet service.  then, he gets to the road, backs up and continues to follow me to my parking space.

 I get in my car, and he puts on his flashes backing up traffic like woah. So I figure, I better get my facebooking and twittering done before I hit the road, and best to find the fastest route now before I leave. See, I wasn't budging until he left. I played all my DrawSomething games and set up my GPS, ate that apple I never got to and 20 minutes later he's still sitting there. SERIOUSLY?! you could have been in the mall and shopping by now. So this dude gets out of his car and knocks on my window. ON MY GODDAMNED WINDOW. So I put it down a pinch and he's all "you going to be long" and I'm thinking, you've already waited 20 minutes, whats another 10?! but I didn't I just said "yes" waited for them to leave and go follow some other person, and pulled out letting what looked like a minivan full of teenagers take my nice parking spot. Moral of the story... well there is none, I was just being an ass to an overly annoying parking spot vulcher.

Anyways, our little chicks aren't so little anymore. We lost one last week, and I ordered 3 more to fill the hole is my soul where my little Twink used to be. This morning I'm waking up, and I hear the chickens making some sounds that aren't normal. I figure they probably just knocked over their food or water so I get up and walk into the dining room to see Clara OUT OF THE CAGE, sitting on top of the screen. Must have just happened because she still looked in shock like "Oh damn,  I actually got out" and I was all, oh no you didn't! But first, let me take a picture with Instgram.. then I put her back in, and closed the gap around the light. haha.

A true "fan girl" moment

So today was a pretty cool fan moment for me. As some of you may know, my New Years resolution is to get Wil Wheaton to retweet (Jesus spell check, retweet a WORD now, enough with the red squiggles) me because he genuinely liked something I said in reply to him.  And it would have to be in reply, because lets me honest @wilw doesn't follow @Only1KristenL (that would be just a bit to much for me, I'd feel required to tweet witty/funny/smart stuff!)

So anyways, Felicia Day who just seems so super cool to me so I follow her tweeted about song birds and how she'd like one to perch on her finger (I totally get that, I think it's Disney's fault for setting up that unreal expectation) and among the comments about poop she also got my picture of my new chick Codex (who is almost 10 days old now!!) Not only did she respond, but she FAVORITED my tweet too!

And really, how could you NOT favorite that little face. I named her Codex because almost my entire flock is named after Characters in The Guild and she's a redhead (Red Sex Link) and she's sweet and really doesn't want to be held, but she'll tolerate it because she's not one to put up a big fuss.  

So you're probably wondering why Wil Wheaton came up in all of this right? Well, Felicia wanted to use my tweet and pic in an upcoming episode of The Flog on her YouTube channel Geek & Sundry  (SERIOUSLY!?) and since my rooster is named after Wil's character on the guild (Fawkes) and he's got this nifty new show called TableTop (all about table top gaming!) on that same channel I figure I'm in the 6 degrees of internet separation from him now, and a smidge closer to my goal. Because maybe he'll think it's endearing I named my rooster after him. Or... maybe he'll worry that I've got a signed picture of him with candles and a lock of hair in my closet, but that would be crazy.. silly even. 

Anyways, I'm rambling. I planned on making a post about when I passed out in the bathtub at Cassie's Batchelorette party, but that will have to wait until another day. Until then, follow me on Twitter (@Only1KristenL) and leave a comment here to let me know you stopped by! 

Just real quick.

There is nothing more soothing than little baby chicks. The way they peep and scratch. And then, at night when you sneak up to their tub and they are all fast asleep and it looks like the aftermath of a college frat party. Or how they literally fall asleep in the middle of eating.  But I just wish they weren't so damned scared of me, don't they know how much I love them?! That I want to hold them and nurture them and name them cute things like Codex and Fawkes? I promise I wont go all Grapes of Wrath on you. Promise, just stop falling over yourselves when you see me.

That said, they aren't all named, so why don't you help? I've got two female "slipper chickens" they will be brownish/tan with feathered feet. Here's what one looks like now:

Someone already suggested Frodo, and I thought that was awful clever but it's a girl so.... Name away! 

Oh the facets of a girl like me.

So, I've never really been able to fit into any mold. EVER. And the older I get the more true it becomes. I love fashion, and Harley's and farming, folk music and Slayer. I've got a inner geek that's being cultivated as we speak. I play WoW and if I could handle duel joysticks I'd probably play Xbox.

 Let's take today, On my way home from work I couldn't wait to see my little Chicky-Choos and tell Mike I'd named them all after characters in "The Guild" Mostly from Axis of Evil. But, then he texted me my bike was running. So I took Diamond for a little spin! Then, as I settle into my chair he plays a Kotaku preview of the Mists of Pandaria on WoW. And I totally geeked out that you could be a RED PANDA (but only if you're a chick)

All my life I'd had a friend that thought I was always trying to "fit in" when I got interested in something new, but what they didn't realize is I've picked up all this info and knowledge of so many different things it makes me an incredibly well rounded person, and not shallow at all (Like trying to "fit in" suggests)

And then we could talk about all the stuff I've done for work, but that's a whole other blog post!

Welcome to the family!

So, I'm furiously happy for all the women in my life that are pregnant. And I'm literally surrounded! A lot of our friends are expecting new bundles of joy and june-oct will be an amazing time of new babies! That said it's made me a little crazy. Baby crazy. I'm 29 and my biological clock is clanging like it's about to break if I don't get knocked up NOW.  So, while working in my garden yesterday I got an idea, If I want babies I can just go get them... So, welcome to the Page/Lehouiller house our newest editions.

Take THAT baby fever. Instant gratification, no waiting 9 months and I can eat them later on down the road if they make me angry. But in all reality I'll probably love them more than is reasonable, coddle them and any given summer day you'll see me out in the yard being trailed by a bunch of chickens like the piper with all his rats. So, birth announcements be damned, making my own! 

You missed me, didn't you?

So it's been about a month since my last post, sorry about that! I'd like to say I was super busy doing important stuff but really, I just started playing WoW again!  But spring is coming, and I'm going to put us in the poor house buying hydrangeas and these awesome Spicy Cajun Louisiana Iris's ! This Sunday is supposed to be 70 and my only plan is to be outside in the yard. Our front porch needs to be painted and lots of things need to be cleaned up. Now that we own a house, I really want it to look nice!!

I had some wedding "dreams" last night, more like nightmares! It was the day of our wedding and I didn't want to get out of bed. Wasn't cause I didn't want to get married, I was just tired. And when I did get out of bed the hair dresser wouldn't let me take a shower, and I hadn't shaved! And when All my bridesmaids showed up they didn't have any dresses so we're at some back woods hick dress barn trying to find SOMETHING - ANYTHING for them to wear, and all I do is ...

Okay.. seriously. There is the biggest spider crawling across my floor right now. Maybe I'm not so excited about spring? But, expect rain tomorrow that lil' guy got the bad end of a kleenex box.

So anyways, We're at this bridal shop trying to find my girls something to wear that matches and the only color we can find is this yellow the color of highway safety vests. So next thing you know we've got a bathtub full of red wine (Seriously, WTF?!) and we're "dying" them what we think will turn pink. So it turns out okay, and we're having our ceremony (BTW, Mike wasn't in this dream seriously I remember a lot, but never a single dude in the dream) and it starts to pour and all the red wine is running off the dresses, and I'm having a fit because NOW they look ruined. Like seriously, they weren't ruined before.

Anyways, wedding planning is all done! The only thing we need to figure out are favors and seating cards. So I promise I'll stop more than once a month and blog.

I refuse to Apologize.

I can't count how many times other women have made snide comments because I always knew what I wanted for my wedding. Because I've been thinking about the day I get married since I was a little girl. It's something I've dreamed about and look forward to very much. And they put me down like I'm not keeping up my end of the feminist bargain.

I remember cutting up the Sear's and JC Penny's catalogs piecing together my "life" I'd have a page for what my house would look like, how I would decorate the rooms and I would cut out 2D husbands from the men's section and glue them next to the perfect wedding dress clad model. I had this romantic vision of adulthood, where I would just fall into the career I chose, meet the man of my dreams get a house and a dog and pump out a perfect boy and girl to boot. Oh, and I had a pink convertible. 

I grew up in a house with parents who truly loved each other. And they raised my sister's and I to be strong, independent women, capable of anything we put our minds to. But they didn't raise us to think we were to strong to be loved, to independent to think we didn't need men in our lives. But rather showed us what a strong loving bond is between two people. That true love was always putting your partner first, and always doing the things that made them smile. And they didn't sugar coat it, they always told us a marriage was hard work, it didn't come easy and it was something you had to put your heart and soul into, and not give up even in the hardest of times. That you would always have each other to lean on.

So I wont apologize for fact that I've looked forward to July 21st 2012 for my entire life.  I wont apologize for wanting all the pomp and circumstance. The flowers, the music, the dress and all our family and friends with us as we move forward into life together. And the next woman that makes some offhanded bitchy comment about me knowing what I want is going to get slapped.

Brains on the Table.

So I'm pretty sure I need to tell the CIA about new forms of torture. Sit through a meal at your favorite restaurant, while hungry and DON'T EAT ANYTHING. Seriously, it's insanity. I'm on day three of the juice fast and there might be a murder suicide if I have to sit through another meal just sipping water.

But, I really feel like the toxins I've pummeled into every cell of my body over the last few years are really getting cleansed out. Namely, my kidneys are telling me it's true, because they feel like they might just stab through my back and walk out on me, and I'd be left all "NO NO! Guys hold on, I'm trying to help you!" and they'd be all "Yeah lady, we've seen the help you've given us over the years, we're headed to somewhere with a pension and a beach." And I'd be left begging my sister's for a kidney for Christmas.

Anyways. Today was a good day, and I'm starting to be able to differentiate between emotional "hunger" and real hunger. When I want to eat out of habit and when I really need to give my body nutrients. Every time I drive by a Wendy's or Dunkin Donuts it's a small win. Today was almost a tragedy, I left dinner at C.C, Tomatoes after watching Mike eat pizza and the first stop I made was McDonalds. I ordered a Big Mac  meal with a REAL coke. And it was like that moment your life flashes through your brain. Guilt mixed with shame. Shame that I wasn't strong enough to not eat fast food. Anger that after weeks of not eating fast food I was going to throw it all away because I was upset NOT HUNGRY.

And I swear she knew... My friend Erin who is also on a juice fast texted me at that very moment as I was pulling away from the drive up window. And almost as impulsively as I'd ordered I pulled up to the trash can and threw it all out. Because I'm stronger than food. I'm stronger than cravings and emotions.  And I felt empowered and proud! And I finished day three without a slip up!

And my kidneys hurt, my head pounds and my muscles ache from releasing all those toxins and it makes me want to give up sometimes until I realize I'm just undoing all the bad things I've done to my body and it needs to heal. And I will let it heal.

253

... I'm dreading dinner.

I'm doing a juice fast. Just gunna put that out there in the universe in case tomorrow you have to deal with me and I eat your head. I'm honestly very sorry and didn't mean to, it's just I'm hungry yaknow? Anyways today was my first day, Mike proudly brought home the juicer and an array of veggies for me last night and showed me how to use it. I juiced carrots and oranges and it was a good tasting cup of... pulp?

And this morning was encouraging as well, I got up, juiced a bunch of stuff and drank it up! It was a little harder to get down (who knew Cucumbers could taste so strong!) but I felt full. I'm going to start straining the pulp out I believe. BTW.. this is the longest I've gone without a complex carbohydrate. EVER. My go-to dinner was always elbow macaroni with shaky cheese and butter. It's no wonder how I got to 260lbs!

So after I got up, I had my juice and black tea and I had planned to hang out with Tori and I did well watching her eat Wendy's. Okay that's a lie. The entire time I wanted to grab it from her and eat it (like, grab it and shove the whole thing in my mouth paper and all before she even knew what was happening, then act like nothing happened and that maybe they forgot to put the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger in her bag.) I was seriously rabid by 3pm. All I could think about was I was an idiot for setting myself up for failure by not making and taking juice with me while we hung out. By the time she was bringing me home I was day dreaming about food. I had to grocery shop, so I could sneak to Dunkins and get a breakfast sandwich, or buy something to munch on at the store.

And then it hit me, it didn't matter that I snuck food because the only person I was cheating was myself. I want to be smaller for my wedding. I want to be health and happy. And no amount on cheating myself will help that. Sure I've got a pounding headache, and literally ALL I can think about is food, I'm trying to stay strong. I've got to be able to give it a go. So, here goes nothing. I should have bought some stool hardeners.

255

Jesus, is that you?

I got my eyes Dilated today. Never done that before! I'm almost thirty and still having "firsts". I was unaware of just how badly it would effect my vision though, since you know, they do it in a nice dim lit room. So as I'm sitting there for the 15 minutes it takes to dilate my eyes and the doctor is out of the room, I fell asleep. Don't judge me.

So I jolt awake because WTH someone's coming into my bedroom... oh no I'm in a Dr's office. Oh shit, I just fell asleep at the doctors office! I'm pretty sure I was snoring, and maybe had drooled a little too but I managed to hide all this in milliseconds. But then.. Everything is fuzzy and shit my head is pounding.

Needless to say, take the ugly disposable sunglasses they give you. I told them I had my prescription ones in the car (Oops, I lied their at home) and walked out into the daylight .. I must have looked funny stumbling to my car one eye squinted shut, the other barely open. And the drive home was equally as ... interesting. NAPTIME.

My vision was so blurry up close I couldn't read text messages on my phone. I kind of wish I'd gotten a picture of myself with those big dilated pupils so scare my future children. "Mommy used to do drugs, don't make her mad, go mop the floor" Shiniest. Floors. Ever.

255

Always something.

Stress. It comes on heavy and thick, and it coats everything in the same bland but infuriating color. No matter how much I try to separate parts of my life from others they drip together. Stress at work gets lumped in with stuff at home, and home stress gets splattered all over the place. It's like boiling spaghetti sauce. You didn't mean to leave the lid off, but now everything from the toaster to the fridge is misted in red and you just want to curl up on the kitchen floor and scream. Scream until you're hoarse and your neighbors call the cops.

I haven't quite figured out how to get stress to not stick around. It just builds up in my system like lead poisoning, one day I'm fine and the next I can't form a sentence that isn't laced with gritty annoyance. And all the trickle down effects make it worse! Like I'm stressed, so I stress eat, then I get mad at myself for stress eating and I'm more stressed, and disappointed. Or I'm stressed with things in my personal life, it melts into work and I feel guilty because no one deserves to get hit with the crossfire.

And that's all, I'm sure I could write pages of sarcastic dribble that would make you laugh, but that just means I'm hitting my readers with hot spaghetti sauce too. And I wont do that to you, because it burns.

What about a cheese and crapper platter?

Cassie and I went up to The Common Man Inn & Spa to meet with the event coordinator and have a "Girls Night" Thursday into Friday and man, I love that girl. It's really wonderful to have people in your life that are grounded, organized and in charge! She's helped so much with EVERYTHING. I picked the best MOH a girl could ask for.

 Apparently it's hilarious when I get tongue tied. Which happened more than once yesterday as I was trying to explain my "vision" for our wedding, and what it would encompass. Thank God Cassie corrected me when I requested a "Cheese and Crapper" platter for the cocktail hour :-X I doubt my guests would have appreciated that.

So we had a fantastic dinner, relaxed and went to bed early (while watching the GoP debate) because we're awesome like that. This morning I slept in, she was a good girl and went to the work out room. Then we had a little pampering, she had her nails done, and I had my wedding test hair done! I love all things vintage and classy, so I want a really classic look. So here's the test hair:

I can't decide if I'll keep the length of my hair curled like it is all swept to the side, or maybe wear it straighter, with a big uniform curl at the end. Opinions? That huge barrel curl is staying though, so hot!

So, this is Love: Mike and I are on our new couch together, this thing is HUGE! We can spoon on it. So naturally we're sitting on our own ends, and somehow he tickles me with his toes (his feet are huge, his toes are as long as fingers!) I screech and giggle, so obviously it eggs him on to tickle me more. And somehow I get my feet near his face and grab his beard with my toes, and we're completely intertwined in a hilarious stand off, because if he tickles me, i'll pull his beard WITH MY TOES and vice versa. And we're totally being complete goofs, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. That's our love, and I couldn't ask for anything more perfect.

P.S. Doods, grow beards they are HOT.

Life will kick you.

And life doesn't start when the kicks stop, life IS the kicks and how you deal with them. I'm trying to grasp and be in harmony with this concept although, it is incredibly tough sometimes, today especially.

I have to start by saying I'm lucky. Mike and I are blessed to have the means to live the "American Dream" as we march to the alter and beyond (Babies, future, commitment babies future commitment BABIES FUTURE COMMITMENT) I have a family and friends that are second to none and, I work with an incredible group of women who make things like inventory night, amazing and fun.

Here's the quick and dirty.. got home, relaxed. Went to shower no hot water. Checked the heat and yes, it was colder in the house than usual, huh. So I put all my cloths back on, slipped into my pink fuzzy slippers and ventured into the basement (EEK!) to discover the oil tank is down to 1/8th of a tank and the boiler isn't turning on when it should. Sweet, awesome! And we were just thinking we might get a week where we could put some money back into savings or for the wedding. WRONG.

So thanks life, I had to take the day off to wait around for the heating guy in a cold house on no sleep, because who can sleep with the "OMG we need to buy oil we hadn't budgeted for and our heat doesn't work and the basement is going to flood and and and and... MOLD!" thoughts galloping through their head. Whatever, I'm heading to XYZ home improvement store to buy plastic for the windows to help with heat loss, and just tossing this up to life.

BTW! Nothing works better to heat up a cold body than a 24 minute workout with Jillian Michaels.

F$%K you Wii imaginary personal trainer.

So, the other day after my blog post I was feeling REALLY empowered! I got up and turned on the Wii and was all "I can conquer the world!" until I weighed myself and was UP TWO WHOLE GODDAMNED POUNDS! Now, if I had been sneaking fast food, and not tracking my calories and not exercising I would be like "well gee Kristen, think it's time to REALLY get on the ball?" But I had been doing all those things, and drinking 60oz of water like Jillian Michael's tells me to, so I was extremely discouraged and started looking up wedding dresses in my size, cause I felt like giving up.

But I quickly realized it's about more than a wedding dress. It's about my future children, my health and my personal self confidence. I refused to give up, and resolved to just do better and stick with it. And stop weighing in. And there are a lot of plus sized women out there that are happy in their skin, that feel beautiful the way they are and I don't discredit that AT ALL. But that's not me.

So I've changed a few things, for one a protein packed breakfast with very little carbs. Usually 3 eggs scrambled with a slice of cheese and chopped ham, turkey or other meat we have to toss in and a Stonyfield Farms yogurt. And the rest of my meals during the day are packed with veggies and fiber, and protein. I'm still staying within my 1550 calories but am really trying not to eat less than that because I don't want to starve my body.

And more exercise. And I swear if one more person tells me "muscle weighs more than fat" I'm going to virtually slug them, in my head. So every other day I'm doing the Biggest Loser game for the Wii and building up my stamina. I picked Jillian Michaels for my trainer (mostly because Bob calls me "lover" and that's weird,)  and I want to shank the bitch. As I'm on my rug, hands on the Wii board, in a push up position shaking like a leaf because my arms are all "no fucking way" and she's all "That looks like giving up" I'm screaming at the TV DO YOU REALIZE I'VE NEVER DONE A GODDAMNED REAL PUSH-UP IN MY LIFE YOU SKINNY LITTLE BITCH. Seriously, I'm glad the neighbors (and Mike) don't see this. But I did better today than yesterday!

So yeah, in a past life I would have given up. But in this life, the here and now I am going to beat this. I am going to fit into my wedding dress. People who haven't seen me in months will whisper at my wedding about how good I look, they will be jealous, and I will be radiant. And I will inspire someone who hasn't been able to grasp the courage to shed the pounds, just like my friends husband inspires me. (Yeah, that's a nod to you Marc!)

260

I Can't Function Without my PINS!

So, not weight loss related. But wedding related. My Fiance Mike and I are getting married July 21st 2012 and while we've got almost EVERYTHING done, the florist is eluding me. I've got my heart set on Cobblestone Design Company out of Concord. Originally they wouldn't deliver my flowers unless I got 3000$ worth of flowers for the wedding. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of flowers... Like, they would make my damned dress out of flowers at that price (maybe not really, but Jesus!)

So I've been looking around at other florists, and I can't for the life of me find one I trust to carry out my floral vision, other than Cobblestone. (Wondering what my Floral Vision is? Check out my Pinterest) Their work is second to none, they just have that something extra you don't get elsewhere and you can't describe. They did the flowers for my sister's wedding on a shoestring budget because she'd lost her 500$ deposit to a florist that closed. But honestly, they looked like she'd spend thousands on them.

The KILLER news?! COBBLESTONE WILL DELIVER! I called them this morning and BEGGED them, and while I will be paying a delivery fee (which I'm totally ok with) I'll have the flowers I want! The flowers I've dreamed of since I was like five. 

BTW, that's me at a size 16, right after I stopped working on the farm. That's my goal again, if not thinner. That's the size I bought my wedding dress at, and where I need to get to by July. I have all the confidence in the world I can do it. And this is where I am now, this picture was taken in October. 

I've talked about it before on here, but I hate having my picture taken now. I actually refuse, which if you've known me for any length of time you'll know I used to LOVE having my picture taken. The weight I've gained has taken quite a toll on my life, and I'm done. I really want to change how we eat and relate to food in our house not just for myself, but for our future children. High School was HELL because I was heavy and I want better for my children. 

So to my friends and family who read this Blog (which is way more than I realized because I guess, I'm funny sometimes) I challenge you to do something active next time we get together. Let's go sledding, or for a walk around town with a hot tea. Swimming, hiking, let's play baseball at the park or play some mini golf. It starts by not making social activities based around food, because if you invite Mike and I to dinner in the next few months, I'll probably decline (unless it's at your house, and we're cooking something healthy) because I'm serious about changing the way we do things. 

Alright, now I'm out to do some yoga and Wii fit, bitchez. 

258. 

...I licked a lean cuisine tray?

Ok first thing, if you read the title and it was in the voice of Jennifer Gray when she says in Dirty Dancing "I carried a watermelon?" We should be fast friends, period.

So today I did REALLY well, but I've been finding my success is tied with not having options. I left my debit card at home Monday and Tuesday and had no cash, so I had to eat what I brought or had at work, this was good. Today, I brought my wallet to work and thank

 I started my day with a bowl of cherrios (and no, not a bowl the size of my head but a sensible 1cup serving) and yogurt, then a Lean Cuisine for lunch which I DEVOURED. Seriously, I licked the tray and might had nibbled on it a bit if I didn't think my employees would judge me when they saw it in the trash. Then a hot pocket, that admittedly was probably in the fridge to long because when I cooked it, it was... suspect. At that point, if I hadn't had my wallet I don't know what I would have done, probably eaten the Hot Pocket and paid for it dearly on the ride home in a gas station bathroom. So, Subway to the rescue! Turkey flat bread with loads of veggies really hit the spot.

Honestly, I've been really successful lately because I'm looking in the mirror more. I stand in front of the full mirror in my bedroom and force myself to look at my body, naked. And I'm not happy with it, I don't feel sexy or attractive. And I've stopped making excuses for myself. The other night it was 10:30 and I was still awake and KNEW I should probably do some work on the treadmill or the Wii but I didn't want to change, and I'd be going to bed soon anyways and it would only be 20 minutes. So I checked facebook once more and my friend posted about finally not feeling like his body was struggling against a 30 minutes walk on the treadmill, and how nice that was. So, onto the treadmill I got, pink fuzzy slippers and all! I did a steady 15 minutes and felt good. And every morning since I have watched Nate Berkus and The View (Don't judge me, you've got vices too and I bet it's something shameful like Jersey Shore)  from atop my treadmill!

I'M ALWAYS HUNGRY. I ate an entire bag of carrots today.  I'm convinced I'm going to get orange skin. I drink 60oz of water a day and while I feel better I've got the bladder of an old man. I'm getting up 2 times a night at least to pee. But I'm just sick of being so fat. There is no way I can crane my head so I don't have a double chin and I actually refuse to let people take my picture.

I'm one day closer to being "sit down pretty"

The inner ravings of a fat girls mind.

It goes something like this.. Walk out of work.. Mmm I'm thirsty I've got that water in the car. But I want something else, Diet Soda, Mcdonalds here I come! Wait, Stop!!! Just walk to the car, seriously just turn around NO you're not hungry at all, you just had lunch two hours ago. Jesus Kristen just order a soda GODDAMMIT now you've done it, an entire meal, really? Just toss it in the trash when you walk around the corner, common... throw it out! Don't worry about the money, think of the medical bills. . .  15minutes later it's like laying in bed with a hooker smoking a cigarette, and she wants to cuddle.  You should have listened to that voice in your head that said "this probably isn't a good idea" because it sounded something like you're mother mixed with one of those preachy republicans.

So now that I've aired my dirty laundry I had success today. I come from a family of enablers, especially when it comes to food, they like to enable you to make those bad choices. And lord oh lord when it's time for a family get together watch out, nobody is bringing something healthy. So I did, I made homemade pita chips and bruschetta, and I set it among lasagna, 5 different types of meat/cheese dips brownies with fudge on top (seriously mom!) and a host of other items. And I ate barely any of it. I had some of the Mac and Cheese made with low carb pasta, and of course my bruschetta but overall did really well at not over eating and refusing to take my allotted 3 pieces of chocolate from the 40LBS Whitman Sampler. So we will call today a success, and start tomorrow by leaving my money at home so walking to McDonald's isn't an option.  

Put down the reese's pieces!

OK, so seriously me and McDonalds are fighting. A LOT. For a little background, I work in retail management in a mall, right outside the food court. I literally can SEE the food court from  my store.  So one of my regulars walks in with FUCKING POPCORN CHICKEN from McDonalds. Dear McDonalds, didn't I TELL you I was trying to be good and resist the tempation of trans fat laced chicken hunks? No.. well my bad, I am. 


So anyways, I've had a tuna fish sandwich, two cheese sticks, some "McBites" .. Ok, more than some. I got the sna... regular... ck sized portion. They were "EH". 


So anyways, I live in NH, and we're going to take a little First in the Nation Primary detour.. Rick Fucking Santorum. He makes me want to stand on the sidewalk where ever he's campaigning holding a sign that says "As Rick Santorum gains ground in the polls and commentators increasingly speak of him as if he's not a dangerous, raving zealot, please do remember that Karen Santorum's lifesaving medical intervention is different than the abortions that Santorum wishes to outlaw only in that the woman getting the lifesaving medical intervention was Karen Santorum"  -Jezebel.com 


Or, would that be to long? Yeah.. to long. and "Get out of New Hampshire you crazy fucking idiot" would get me no brownie points with anyone. So stay posted, I'm crafting a clever tweet or two to fire his way and hopefully have it go viral in the "Live Free or Die" state and beyond. 


Back to drinking water and eating imaginary food.

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A new chapter

First off, this is for me. It's not for the world at large but a place for me to put my thoughts into the ether.

I started a weight loss competition today and am partnered with my MOH's husband. We both have very important reasons we want to loose a lot of weight. His is health, mine is vanity. So shoot me, all I really care about is looking good in my wedding dress in 7 months! The health benefits will be a kicker, but really.. I want to be "sit down pretty" at my wedding. Yeah, so pretty, they dudes will have to TAKE A SEAT.

Anyways, today was a success and a failure. I ate GREAT up until my drive home from work. But that ever persistent jezibel Wendy's sucked me it. I'm trying to figure out the trigger, what prompts me to want a juicy burger rather than healthy food? Today, I did really well, I'd only eaten about 2/3 of my calories and was looking forward to a sensible dinner but I literally couldn't stop myself from pulling into the drive through.

I rationalized that I was hungry and needed to eat, so I'll get a salad since there wasn't much healthy to eat at home. Then I started to think about a burger, I put it into my calories calculator and it fit into my day ... IF I RAN WHILE EATING IT. So anyways, drunk on willpower I pull in. "I'll have a number one, no tomatoes small with a diet coke" SHIT. SALAD. I was supposed to get a salad. So I pay, get my food and head on my way. Ok Kristen, only eat half the burger and don't EVEN look at those fries. Now I'm home, I ate it all and I want to vomit.

Tomorrow is a new day right?

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